There was a very good reason why I moved to a new city and my new job had nothing to do with it. My parents and extended family were driving me right around the bend. And there is nothing like a little visit to or from them to remind me of the fact. My mother is visiting. Many women acquaintances and friends who know this, sympathise.
Many women are threatened by the intrusion of older people in their lives predominantly because of the age hierarchy plaguing our society. The elderly are to be deeply respected and they get offended if they are not “obeyed.” What we often forget is that while the elderly do bring a wealth of experience and – in some cases – maturity into any situation, many of them are ignorant, condescending, unreasonable, prejudiced, provincial and plain arrogant.
One of the biggest domestic challenges for any younger person today is that their parents – in all good intent – do everything in their power to challenge their marriage and parenting. My mother, for instance, loves my children and thinks them well-balanced. She also understands that the mate and I have a reason behind the way we work with the children. This does not prevent her from doing all she can to undermine our efforts.
All we need is to tell our children to do something and she immediately has an conflicting instruction for the child. “Go take a bath”, the mate will tell Big K. “Have breakfast before that,” my mother will respond. She slyly does Big K's chores and instructs him, “Tell papa that you did it.”
My mother knows the Big K is asthmatic and his diet is complicated by ADHD. He has strict food restrictions. She will feed him curd in plenty at dinner and wonder why the poor child is coughing all night. My mother feeds him every restricted item on the ADHD list behind our backs. She indulges him in sweet and fried items and we all have to deal with his sugar-highs.
She enables any bad behaviour on his part and encourages him to tease and boss over the Little K in our absence because she is “only a girl and is younger to him.” It has taken many years of consistent effort for us to improve his physical and emotional health. We have worked hard to discourage gender stereotypes in our home and explain to the children that they are different but equal.
My mother knows the Big K is asthmatic and his diet is complicated by ADHD. He has strict food restrictions. She will feed him curd in plenty at dinner and wonder why the poor child is coughing all night. My mother feeds him every restricted item on the ADHD list behind our backs. She indulges him in sweet and fried items and we all have to deal with his sugar-highs.
She enables any bad behaviour on his part and encourages him to tease and boss over the Little K in our absence because she is “only a girl and is younger to him.” It has taken many years of consistent effort for us to improve his physical and emotional health. We have worked hard to discourage gender stereotypes in our home and explain to the children that they are different but equal.
In our case, this entire situation is so much more complicated by the “stepchild” factor. I have sat my mother down and explained our ideas, our hopes and plans for our children and the medical and other concerns that have helped shaped our parenting style. I have answered questions, made justifications, incorporated suggestions. She listens, nods and goes right back to doing what she wants.
If Big K hurts anyone, it is always the other person's fault and Big K is the victim. If he plays with Little K, he is naively sacrificing his birthright to that "entitled brat." If the mate expects him to do any chores, the Big K is Cinderfella. If I take him to task for anything, I am a bad mother. If Big K is now wheezing all day and night, it is not because my mother has fed him restricted foods. Oh no! It's because he does chores around the home. End result – Every time my mother visits, Big K is rude to us, resentful of the mate and hurts Little K physically – something he never does when my mother is not here. She certainly does not tell him to hurt her. It is the way she tells him not to hurt her because Papa will get angry with him.
Little K is also an object of sympathy because the maid neglects her while I am “gallivanting around town looking after other people's children.” While the mate and I understand the situation perfectly and can take her tantrums and manipulations with large pinch of salt, I do worry about my children. What am I supposed to say? A euphemistic translation of “Your grandmother is a manipulative, ignorant, mean-spirited human being? Don't take her seriously!”
While Cinderfella and the Ugly Sister occupy my home, the scene at my sister's home is no better. While my husband is labelled “draconian” hers is labelled “permissive.” While the rein on my children is “too tight,” her children are “indulged till they are both going to end up as parents by the time they are teenagers and then everyone will learn a lesson.”
Anger and resentment is hurled at all the three adults in my home – the mate, the maid and myself. If we don't smile and take all this in stride; if we don't happily watch as she takes our children apart, she refuses to eat her food or take her medicines and wants to pack up and leave right away. We, of course, are supposed to respect her status as an elder, and say nothing while she is doing all this. And it has been years and years while my sister and I have been subjected to this.
Caught between these two children who have ended up being married to such horrible people and are being such terrible parents, what is a poor grandmother (who has herself never attended a PTA at her own children's school) to do? Perhaps I should just send the children to my enlightened mother so she can teach Little K a lesson or two in humility and Big K ends up with irretrievably bad health or anger management problems, much perhaps, to my mother's satisfaction.
Now that it's all out, I hope I'll soon feel better.
