New Women in Old Marriages 2

This post is a comment in response to a comment on "New women in old marriages." It was too long, so I converted it into a post. My responses in italics.

Dreemzguy: I think this tirade is essentially letting off the steam from personal experiences or maybe second hand ones from those close...

starting thus from the opposite side of the fence, i can already notice quite a few ladies dragging out the daggers...lol ; but i would sum up my initial thoughts by just three points. ( and I do NOT disagree with what you ladies have said- so please put down the daggers back for the moment..LOL)

Point No 1 - I presume most educated, smart, liberated and well off women as described in the write up make their own choice of the life partner. Some fully knowing the basic characteristics of the guys hoping they would tame them. It seldom happens that way, hence all men are generalized to be in the same category. My point is only this - there are MANY good guys out there who respect and treat their spouse as more than equal. So its a question of a conscious choice we make. Who do we blame for that?

@ Dreemzguy: I am answering this as I read, so I will go point by point as well.

Women who marry men "to tame them" are not included in this. I am talking about normal people here, not ringmaster-aspirants. Most women marry in the good faith that the man they dated (either arranged by their parents or selected on their own) will be what they projected themselves to be. Because the Indian family is a fairly intrusive and hierarchical institution, marrying an Indian man is not so simplistic. The man you dated and the man you married are often two different people.

Not all men have families that buy in to the concept of equality. When such families get involved, certain expectations are placed on the bride and the man has little choice except to request his wife to concede or break ties with his family. Very often the first few are small compromises, but they inevitably add up. It's either that or a constant heartache over the very first compromise - "All I told her was to wear sindoor always and even that much she refused to do," the MIL mourns to all and sundry.

Even in more nuclear marriages where the man's family is minimally involved, the marriage scales begin to tilt when children arrive on the scene. You usually find that the wife takes greater responsibility for the child. There are some awesome fathers out there, but this is the general trend.

When both parents work after the birth of a child, you rarely find a man who takes a step back career-wise to care for the child so that his wife can be more successful. On the other hand, women often turn down promotions or give up trips to be with the child. In a truly equal marriage, both would have stepped down career-wise. Many men do say during the dating period that they would take equal responsibility for the child, but this does not always happen. And when it does not, there is little a wife can do.

Another side of the coin is that in many cases, the women earn less and hence the man feels that it would make more sense to work harder while his wife steps down - or out of - the corporate ladder. However, when the wife quits work temporarily to care for the baby, she is often relegated to the home sphere. Few husbands make efforts towards alternate arrangements for childcare, so that the wife can pursue her financial and career goals. She has to stand in the sidelines and watch her husband succeed careerwise making him the “provider” and her the primary “caregiver” of the family.

Dreemzguy: Point No 2 - It is the women who are women's worst enemy as far as differentiation at family level is concerned. We do not hear as much about father in law or brother in law ill treating a woman. I feel it is women (saas, bahu, nanad, etc - at times even the newly married wife!)...who wants to control circumstances; this leads to situations where a man is expected to take sides! And I think the general opinion here would be that he takes extreme positions...its either this or that. Is it practical? Especially when the truth may not even be known to the poor guy- since most undercurrents take root behind his back over trivial issues that build up subsequently. A case in point, when our own mother gives tips and gems of knowledge which in any case we disregard (being smart or worldly wise) why have it against the poor MIL if she does the same?

@ Dreemzguy: When people mouth the words “ Women are women’s worst enemy” they inevitably point to the mother in law and sister in law (relations that are formed through the husband). They do not point at mothers and sisters. This shows that it is only after marriage that women become subjected to persecution by other women. This is because the man is unable to draw a line around his marriage and keep his family out of it the way a woman is able to do.

Disregarding the mother’s gems of knowledge has fewer repercussions than disregarding the mother-in-law’s. The mother-in-law usually takes it as a personal insult whereas the mother takes it as the daughter’s nature.

I think that if the couple want to maintain a nuclear unit with their own set of rules and regulations, it is imperative that both make sure that outside influences do not compromise the integrity of their home. “Please wear saree when my parents are here” or “please do Puja when we visit my parents” compromise on the equality that was promised to the woman at the time of marriage.

The man should not take sides. He is one of the walls protecting his marriage, just as the woman is. They are, in some ways, a single unit. Imagine the message you are sending to your child who sees Mummy in different avatars are dadi’s house and at nani’s house regardless of how equal your own home is and who sees Papa in the same avatar everywhere. This has a greater impact on your children than any lecture on equality you can give them. They will learn that no matter how liberated they are in their parents home, they will have to change for their in-laws. Many children lose respect for their mothers when they see them as weak figures manipulated by people around them and unable to make independent choices.

Dreemzguy: Point No 3 - The issues raised here are not as widespread as brought out - I would dare to say that most marriages are good, we don't hear of them, that's about all. It is like we don't hear of honest people who are plenty, but judge the society by a few dishonest ones who come to light. Generally marriage is a happy occasion, bringing up children is the most wonderful thing for a couple, treating everyone as equal in a house is what everyone wants and tries to do. Blaming the husband or wife or family, expecting one or the other to take sides is NORMAL too but why emphasis only on husband's family? Every family also has issues between father and son, mother daughter, siblings, EVERY ONE has problems; so a newly married wife too is bound have have her share. It is normal...maybe a new set of norms and circumstances are a bit different initially but those are the rules of the game in that house for all.

@ Dreemzguy: I hope that most marriages are good. Unfortunately, the more financially independent and educated women become, you find that they are less willing to compromise on their beliefs and many marriages are going sour. So this clearly shows that the women compromise on their beliefs is an integral part of marriages being “good.”

While everyone has problems – this is inevitable – the problems that new brides face are often created by unreasonable and overly intrusive demands by her husband’s family. The solution is simple and obvious – stop making them.

 It is hard enough for two adults to live together – there have to be compromises – fan high or low, windows open or shut, buy a home or rent one, have children now or later, daycare or maid. Add to this, wear a saree or not because FIL is scandalized by salwar kameez-wearing-DILs, use diapers for baby or not because Mil does not believe in diapers, attend buaji’s daughter-in-law’s brother’s wedding or not because buaji will be hurt…. You get the picture…. 

All I am saying is that people take for granted that once a girl is married anyone and everyone can make demands on her. Until she is married, her parents protect her and don’t allow people to intrude into her space. Marriage leaves her exposed to people to try to dominate her and direct her choices. Should not the husband – who brought this baggage with him – try to deal with it? If she fights on her own, should he not refrain from blaming her (openly or in his own mind) for “straining family relationships?”