Some time ago, following this discussion on Indian HomeMakers blog, a group of people offered advice to a young woman who was unhappy in her marriage. By the time the Confused Wife had more or less declared that her marriage was not worth keeping with the following statement “…I quit. They win. I don’t care. Let them. I’ll find love again….”, the most revealing and notable comment in the entire discussion was thrown up:
“Jai_C:
1.This is the first time I took part in a comment thread that comes out to this. Feels weird and not good*. I do not wish to own any part of my contribution to the above statement unless it is clear to you that I think that most second marriages are happier because of lower expectations on *both sides* (this includes your side).”
While many women and men are happy to sympathise with a woman in a toxic relationship, they want no part in the breakage of a home. As long as the woman is complaining, sympathetic others are willing to listen, to counsel and even to agree. However, the moment she says “Enough is enough” and gets ready to pack her bags, the sympathisers melt away like snowflakes in the sun. Why do they do this?
In our country, women who leave a marriage do not easily find a safe place to go other than their parental homes. They are often shunned by society and become emotionally and some times financially dependent on whoever is willing to support them.
Parents are not always willing to support a woman in distress. This may be because they fear the repercussions of one child's broken marriage on other children's marriages or marital prospects. In other conservative families, parents are afraid that they will face the criticism of their community if they support their daughter. Some have religious scruples about breaking a union which they believed was ordained by God.
Parents are also afraid that they are once again faced with the same situation that they had before the daughter was married – Who will take care of her in her old age? They fear for their daughter's safety and worry about her financial security if she leaves her marriage. These fears also lend wings to members of her extended family who come flying in to resolve her marital problems. They fear that her break-up will taint their own children's lives.
Siblings also very often take a conservative view of a woman's wish to leave her home because they may be taunted about this by their in-laws and even spouses. So the best solution for them is to push for a reunion rather than a separation. They are also concerned that they may be asked to shell out money towards the support of their siblings or their nephews and nieces. Also, in case of illness or death of the woman, her brothers and sisters may have to care for their children. A far-thinking sibling will want to avoid this.
In case of brothers who have already got the family home or are looking forward to inheriting it, the burden of allotting a part of it for the upkeep of the sister and her children acts as a deterrent. The siblings may also be afraid that the parents may now want to endow a larger part of the family inheritance in the woman's name in addition to the dowry that she has already received. Clearly, they will be shooting themselves in the leg by supporting such a move.
As far as friends and acquaintances are concerned, similar fears prevails. Male supporters may worry about the connotations that may be placed upon the relationship if they encourage a woman to leave her husband. Female acquaintances who may willingly commiserate with a woman on how terrible married life is, will be dismayed to find that their words are taken seriously and the woman is actually walking out.
They may worry that their own husbands would be displeased to find that they played a role in the breakup of a home. They fear that a reckless woman who can rashly leave her own husband may be equally capable of revealing the secrets that they have been sharing to her husband and in-laws. They may also fear that a single woman on the lookout for a shoulder to cry on, may find that shoulder in their own mate.
Sundry others, who are not personally involved, may also back out for similar reasons – a fear of the woman becomes even more unhappy after her break-up and then blames them for misleading her, religion, community, tradition and even concern that the woman and her children will now have fewer options and chances to happiness outside the marital framework rather than within it.
Ultimately, the enormous sanctity that surrounds an Indian family, makes it a no-entry zone for people around it. And like Hotel California, you can check in but you can never check out. Unless you leave feet first.
As I said to someone earlier, many couples stay together because family and community puts pressure on a person who wants out of a marriage by excluding them, and in case of women, sexually harassing them and making them feel unsafe. It is very sad when this is the only thread binding couples together who live under the same roof in a daily cocoon of petty spite, one-upmanship and bottled emotions.
9 comments:
Now Confused Wife has created a blog of her own, here it is,
thechildgonewild
"daily cocoon of petty spite, one-upmanship and bottled emotions"
is a very apt description for what my marriage was.
I agree with every word you've written. I also think our generation has it a little harder since most of the marriages we grew up around aren't the ones we want to emulate. Indian women have financially and emotionally evolved since the last generation and know they don't want what their mothers had. But a lot of them end up with ILs whose way of ensuring status quo is glorifying their own mistakes ("sacrifice"), or husbands who only aspire to what they've seen around them.
I'm obviously not well qualified to speak about the reaction of others but from my perspective, I would just want to be sure that I am not (rather my advice is not) the cause of a friend or acquaintance walking out of a relationship/marriage.
It's a hard to keep a clear mind when deciding whether or not to break up with someone and well, as an outsider, I can't really be sure sometimes. Clear cases of abuse or neglect are easier to judge from the outside but issues of compatibility, not so much. I would be especially uncomfortable doling out advice on an online forum because I just don't know anything about the people involved!
Post break up, I can see how most "well wishers" would treat you as though you have some sort of contagious disease. But on the flip side, research shows that your relationship suffers when close friends are going through a divorce. An interesting watch is Woody Allen's "Husbands and Wives" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104466/)
Of course, the reasons you've mentioned are completely accurate and most people are motivated by irrational fears.
You've analysed all of it so well, it's all so true.
I also feel bad that there is no social mixing of single (esp divorced) and married women. Or am I mistaken about that?
It's tragic that it is perceived as breaking of a home, and not as a healing of the spirit of the woman.
@IHM: Thank you for the link. Visited and was glad to see she's fine. It was enlightening how deep a chord she seems to have touched.
@childgonewild: I think it's very hard for anyone to willingly give up privileges that they have enjoyed for several generations now. And when an entire gender has to do that, we need a miracle and lots of drastic social change.
@simply bored: I think that no one can be the cause of the breakdown of a relationship other than the two people who are in it. This is true of every relationship - parent/child, friends, siblings and couples. Most of the time a person seeking advice is only doing so as a last resort before taking a drastic step - suicide, having a bandaid baby, sinking into apathy or leaving a relationship. So even if you are screaming into someone's ear to quit a relationship, they're not going to do it to please you. Even if they turn around and say that later. So all we can do is offer support.
When marriages break down, anything ... just about anything is better than the bitterness and the spite that remains. Two people who know each other, have lived together know each other's weakness very well. So when they war - they wound deeply. Its best to break ties then. I dont advocate divorce, ever, but have opted for it myself, and honestly life has been great afterwards
I guess everyone realizes at a rational level that we can't break up a relationship just by offering support/advice. But it's not so easy to let go of the niggling doubt that our conversation might have been just the one little thing needed to nudge a vacillating person.
Also, I think the independence with which we make decisions changes with age. We're less inclined to be led by others as we grow older but a 22 year old girl who asks her friend for advice before breaking up with her boyfriend might be more susceptible to outside influence than say, a 28 year old woman contemplating divorce.
The responsibility of the final decision lies with the parties concerned but I think it's unrealistic to expect that they're not influenced by outside forces.
It's the same with relationships that suffer because of friends breaking up. Things would probably have fallen apart even otherwise but I'm not sure it's easy to accept that you are indeed a catalyst in the process of two people separating.
hey !!
been a long time .... aren't you writing these days ?
@ PhoenixRitu: I completeley agree. There's a line in the Gulzar film Ijaazat which expresses the sentiment: "When a marriage turns sour, it stinks badly." I was raised to believe that marriage was the goal and that marriage was forever.
@SimblyBored: I get what you're saying, but I still feel that many people reach out outside a marriage as a last-ditch effort. If the situation outside is hostile and not supportive, there's no saying what will be the end.
@Deepa: This is the most time and energy consuming job I have ever had.
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