Life vs Lifestyle

This post is closely connected to the last two posts I have written. The routine of a sanskaari bahu may seem very far out to people in this day and age. However, this is still practised across many homes for a number of reasons. Primarily, as Mr Rajiv Nigam puts it, crores of households across our nation choose what they call life over lifestyle.

Life, in their opinion, is following traditions, living per our shastras and our culture. Lifestyle, meanwhile, means deviating from our traditions and choosing several means which allow daily routines to be more comfortable, equitable, polite and beautiful.

Freshly-prepared natural foods

Those people who choose life over lifestyle, live as close to nature as possible. They eat traditional seasonal foods. They are against processed foods and don't have a lot of faith in refrigeration. Therefore, all meals are cooked from the scratch; and all meals are cooked fresh every time. They believe that food that has been stored loses its nutrients. They believe that this kind of a diet keeps their bodies healthy. 

This means that all meals have to planned very well. Foodstuffs have to be soaked, ground, cleaned. Food preparation becomes a long process. Any leftover food is given away to the household help or to the animals that are raised by the family or by their neighbours. So limited food is prepared to avoid waste. Nothing is reused.

This means no pre-ground ginger-garlic paste, no imli paste, no sauces. No store bought achaars, or dry masala powders. Whole spices are bought, cleaned, dried in the terraces or verandahs for days and then ground. While this process goes on, these foodstuffs have to be spread out every morning and taken back every evening. This is life. Also food is cooked in chulas and gas stoves. Microwave ovens are out.

With the world condemning processed foods and more and more people becoming aware of the advantages of natural, healthy, freshly-prepared foods, obviously the “Life” group have emerged leaders of the pack. Advocates of Life over Lifestyle are quick to point out how the world is eventually coming round to their point of view.

However, in order to perform all of these tasks, they use the women of their households. Not many people seem to worry about whether the quality of her “life” is the same as that of the household. No one is making her garam rotis or ensuring that she eats taaza khaana. Therein lies the sting.

Caste divides

Another huge problem in such traditional households is that they are ridden by caste divides. Yes, in this day and age. Maids of different castes are used for different jobs, and it can get as specific as to whether a caste can touch the atta or only clean the vessels. Because of these divides, rules and customs, the women of the house can take only limited help from the maids. However, thankfully for such homes, they choose bahus from such good castes that they are able to perform all of the household tasks without spoiling the dharm of the household. These rules again only inconvenience the women of the household.

Touching and handling of food

Also, traditional households follow a number of rules regarding touching and handling of food. For instance, food is first served to the elders and the men of the household. If someone has eaten from it before it is served to them the food becomes “leftover,” “unclean” or “jhoota.” This means that women have to wait till everyone is served. Also, while men and children often snack on the food before pujas etc, women are expected to maintain their fast. As a result men delay meals, while women on empty stomachs wait on them and are forced to stay hungry until the men finish their meals.

No one objects when women eat the jhoota khaana or only get to grab a quick bite in between chores. On the other hand, for men food is a pleasurable and important feature of their day. Because of these sacrifices made by the women, men feel entitled to expect these things as a matter of course. A fair, self-respecting woman who expects a man to take an equal share in the work is viewed as a witch and a vamp. Women who serve men are given the highest honour and equated to their mothers.

Sanskaar and tradition benefits only one half of the population. Women are taught to place the highest value on the satisfaction that she gets when the family is well-fed and to ignore her own appetites. Many men and children are so insensitive that they fail to see if there is adequate left for the woman. Tasty dishes and sweets are gulped down as they happily demand more servings and women serve them their own share as well. How can this be a good thing?

Why Lifestyle is supposed to be bad

In the recent Maa Exchange Mr Nigam said that Ms Pooja Bedi and a few of her wealthy contemporaries had only a lifestyle. They employed maids to cook meals and take hot meals to the children; drivers were employed to take the children around; nannied spent time caring for their children while they freed themselves for work or entertainment outside the home. This was looked upon as maternal neglect.

He failed to notice that Ms Bedi was earning much more and able to provide better for her children by going out and making her living rather than by sitting at home and feeding them hot phulkas. Also, she spent a fair amount of her time pampering and entertaining herself, which made her a more balanced and happy person compared to his own bitter and resentful wife. Clearly, her children were polite, well-balanced, happy people who were loyal to and loved their mother.

It is interesting to note how any woman who does not wrap herself around her family like a parasitic creeper is considered a bad mother.

Male vs Female Life

Mr Nigam claimed that he and his wife and crores of middle class people like them had “life.” What he failed to realise was that he had a life. He had friends, a paying job outside the home, a chance to meet new and interesting and funny people and enjoy the world experiences. At home, he got hot meals, a wife who never opposed him or argued with him and lived her life per his rules.

Mrs Anuradha Nigam, meanwhile, had only their son for company, spend all day cooking and cleaning and entertaining his guests. She got only cold food which she had to eat alone. She stated that she was happy and content with her life because she believed in “simple living and high thinking”, she has a “husband” (a below-the-belt dig at Ms Bedi who is divorced), and she wants to feed her family “garam phulkas with her own hand.”

Happy content people are never mean; frustrated people always are

Mrs Anuradha Nigam, for all her high thinking, spent a lot of her time trying to find fault and put down Pooja Bedi as a woman and as a mother. She tried very hard to convince Ms Bedi's children that they had been neglected. She tried to turn the children against each other. She tried to get the household help to confirm her diagnosis that the Bedi household was an unhappy one. She also got the entire family to dress in Indian clothes and celebrate the “Indian way of life.”

The men stay young and the women become mothers

Another telling thing I noticed about the Maa Exchange was at what different stages Mr Rajiv Nigam and his wife were. Mr Nigam dresses young for his age - jeans and T-shirts with lettering all over them. His clothes were loud and garish and more appropriate for a school or college grad (with bad taste). His wife, meanwhile, dressed far older than her age.

Mr Nigam also shamelessly flirted with his guest Ms Bedi, arranging a candle light dinner for her and even pressing her legs. It was interesting to see how Ms Bedi effectively used his child, Yashraj, to counter his gallantry. In typical Indian male style, he happily told his wife that all his efforts were only an attempt to ensure that he got enough food because he did not like Ms Bedi's cooking. He was willing to give his heart for his wife, but strongly objected to having a full-time maid to ease her burden.

What such sanskaari people should realise is that Indian culture and Indian values are far far bigger and more complex than they can even imagine. A woman wearing sarees and cooking garam khana, or failing to do these, will not rent the Indian cultural fabric in any way. Only the ability to evolve keeps things alive – be it a creature or a culture. Otherwise, Bharatiya sanskaar will soon become the dinosaurs and dodos of the future – extinct and irrelevant.
Part 1 of the first episode of Maa Exchange mentioned in this post is available here: Maa Exchange Part 1 January 12.