New women in old marriages

The recent debates at Indian Home Maker's blog triggered by this email, seemed very close to the thoughts that have been running in my own head for a couple of weeks now. The people who enter marriages today are very different from those who entered marriages in the past.

Until a couple of generations back, most women were unable to support themselves financially. Post marriage, the entire care of the woman fell upon her marital home. Throughout her life, a woman expected to be supported financially and emotionally by her marital family.

In return for this security, she integrated herself into this family and took its name, and was trained to follow its culture, food habits and dressing traditions, as well as to raise her children to do the same. Her relationship existed not only with her spouse but encompassed his entire extended family, of which she became a part. She usually married young enough to be able to absorb the new way of life. Because cross cultural marriages were rare, both her parental and marital homes often had the same lifestyle, and this made the transition easier.

Most of the traditions and customs were evolved with this model of marriage in mind. Over the last century or so, the status of women and their options have changed so drastically that a woman is able to support herself and, in some cases, even her in-laws with her income just as easily as a man. Despite this, today's wife is still expected to behave like the wife of a century ago, especially around her in-laws.

Over time, smart women have begun to see that they need not change their natures to suit anyone's caprices. However, since marriage has yet to evolve as fast as women themselves have, this has resulted in an epidemic of unhappy, discontented and bitter wives. Unless marriage catches up, more and more women of the future are going to opt to remain single or revert to singlehood. Also, more and more women are probably going to choose not to have children.

Most men who believe that this is merely a vague feminist threat, need only to look at countries like Britain who are paying people to have children. If men truly value their marriages and want to keep them, they need to skip the intermediate steps and adopt a more equal form of marriage, just as they would do with a new gadget.

No one buying their first computer today would insist on following the long route from the Intel 4004, to the Intel 8008 and working their way step by step till the P4s or the Quad Cores. But when it comes to their marriages, men are amazingly loyal to the old school. Perhaps because it favours them so much. Sometimes, small steps are not enough. Educated, smart women in Indian marriages today need a giant leap urgently. And this can only happen when the men catch up with their wives about the definition of marriage and understand why the two of them are there together in the first place.

As in the email, it is not so much the in-laws' interference that shatter the wives as it is the behaviour of the husbands themselves. Any woman would go up in arms if her husband is insulted or criticised by her family, unless he is an alcoholic, abusive, womaniser – and some times even then. Obviously, the scales fall off  when her husband fails to defend her with the same fervour. He allows his family to ride rough shod over her and assumes that his husbandly services entitle him to expect that his wife will put up with it – since this is the way society works.

It is not that a woman can't tell her in-laws off. She can. But a bahu sassing the saas would be a lot more painful to the parents than a child putting his/her foot down. The moment a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law lays down some ground rules, things get nasty. However, men prefer to ignore the rude behaviour meted out to their wives. Considering that most of them are in it for life, it seems suicidal to burn your bridges before you even cross them. It would make more sense for them to maintain good relationship with the women who are going to be with them for the length of their future.

Despite the logic of this, a man does not do the smart thing. He feels so compelled to show his family and all the world that marriage has not changed him, that he insults the institution of marriage. How would he feel is his wife acted like she was single just so that her family and friends don't feel “left out?” When you marry, the rest of your circle is going to feel a little left out. If your circle can't handle it, it's time to find another circle, or go back to staying single. 

I think if more men acknowledged that they're happy with their wives as they are and that their marriages are important/indivisible/irreversible parts of their lives, they would find that other people respect their marriages/spouses. The women don't seem to have too many problems making boundaries with their own families; I think it's because they acknowledge that their marriage is an important part of their lives. As for parents, they're all very nice in their place – outside your marriage. 

I truly believe that all people should be grateful for kindnesses received, but giving birth to and raising a child – though a formidable task – benefits both the parents and the children. In different ways, perhaps. But it does benefit both. How does one express gratitude to someone for bringing them into existence and caring for them? I think this is an impossible task, because nothing you do can measure up. Just as nothing a parent does can compensate for the joys, challenges and learning experiences and social recognition that having children brings with it.

To extract payment for parental duties by controlling adult children or their spouses is cheap. If you cannot raise a child without expecting the child and his/her spouse and family to conform to your whims and fancies all their life, you are contemptible. You have no right to exercise any right on your adult kids or their spouses or their kids. Period. Especially, if they're not sharing a house with you. If they are, you compromise like two adults do. Don't play the parent-child bullshit card to get your way. 

If they visit you, be as considerate towards them as you would be to your guests. If you visit them, be as considerate towards them as you would be with any other host. Being their parent does not give you the right to be fussy or mean. Resist the urge to parent once your kids are grown up.

And considering you have no right to dictate terms to your independent adult child, there's no way in hell you have any business to tell your child's spouse and kids what to do and what not to do. It's hard enough for two people to get along and raise a family in these difficult times, without their families adding to the baggage. 

If you had any real concern for your child or his/her family, you would not be making life hard for them. This is the kind of behaviour that is the one way ticket to a breakdown of relations between your child and his/her spouse or between your child and you.