Plain talking

Dear angst-ridden blog friend,

I have been occasionally following your blog. You write well. It's been a pleasure to read your blog. Until recently when I noticed a lot of posts that I don't agree with. They relate to your resentment that your parents have not accepted your relationship with your partner. I have been waiting for you to get over this reform-the-parents fixation for a while now.

It is none of my business but when I see the scores of people who are so sympathising with you and keeping their fingers crossed that your parents will fall in love with your mate soon, I feel compelled to write this post.

Not that you should not rant on your blog. You should. But always remember that your readers in the blogosphere are always so willing to extend sympathy to any well written whine, no matter how irrational, that before you know it, you will become convinced that you have a genuine case. (The 'you' in this paragraph is used more in the universal sense, not you in particular).

So I wanted to just give you (this is you in particular) a different perspective of your situation. I have no sympathy for you and I don't believe that your parents are wrong for not accepting your mate unreservedly and not being ecstatic over your relationship. You have parents that love you (even if they aren't pleased with your mate), a great job, a supportive and caring mate. Just why am I supposed to feel sorry for you?

While I agree that it would be great to have your parents love your mate, I also believe your parents have the right to not fall all over themselves, and you both, in excitement.

I am happy you found love. Love that you find so comforting and love that you believe will be enduring. But I also do not know you and your mate, need not have you guys over for dinner, introduce you both to my social circle, look after any potential kids you may have. Your parents have to do all of the above. At least.

As long as you expect them to take your partner into their fold and play a role (as grandparent, perhaps) as a result of your relationship, you should probably also realise that they are entitled to have an opinion on the subject. And you should probably also realise that this opinion may not match yours.

What you should be doing (if you're a mature, secure person) is to let them know you are in a relationship (so they're not spending time matchmaking). Leave it at that. Let them have their own opinions about your partner. If you feel touchy about them making mean comments, tell them you don't want to hear their opinions. That's the best you can do.

Why would you try to control or form their opinions? Why do you want them to love and accept your mate into their family? Don't you think you are being unreasonable here? You throw your mate at their face and ask them to be as fascinated, as in love with your mate as you yourself are. Isn't that weird? Aren't they entitled to an opinion of their own?

If you want to have a mate of your choice, make a family of your own. Have the same relationship with your folks as you always did (unless they hate the mate so much that they don't want to see your face either). You have a parental family. Your mate has a parental family. Stick with your groups. Expecting his/her folks to love you and your folks to love him/her is silly.

Why can't you be a couple and still have separate friends and separate families? I don't see any specific benefit in making yourself, your mate and your folks unhappy because they don't like your mate. And you've been unhappy long enough, don't you think? What an unreasonable thing to be so worked up about!

So your folks don't like your mate. Big deal! So their dislike is not justified. What dislike ever is? They are being politically incorrect. Let them! They are being old fashioned. So what? Fifty years ago, you would have been the one in the wrong. Fifty years hence perhaps you will be the one in the wrong. So you just happen to be right today. 'The right thing' is not time-proof. Just keep loving your mate, stop pressurising your folks and get on with your life.

With apologies for bringing a little proportion into your pity party
Careless