A man had written in response to New Women in Old Marriages 2 accusing women of being jealous of their in-laws love for their husbands. I agree that many Indian wives are insecure about their
husbands. I would go as far as to say that more women probably
consider the in-laws as a greater threat to their marriage than
another woman. I have no statistics to prove this apart from my
interactions with other women. This is because at some level many
women do seem to feel that their in-laws are out to undermine their
marriage.
However, it would be an interesting exercise to see why this is so. India
is a land with a deep rooted belief that marriage is forever and
anyone trying to break up a couple is automatically seen as a
villain. So anyone trying to undermine her relationship with her husband is - for her - a villain.
While it is accepted in our society that a woman's parents
have to be kept at arm's length to prevent any interference with the
couples' life, the same yardstick is not applied to the man's family.
It is when different yardsticks are applied to the couple in a
supposedly equal relationship that the balance of power goes awry and
bitterness/jealousy sets in.
Difference in respect accorded to both families
The
love that brothers and sisters share would surely be the same
regardless of the husband or the wife. How many husbands appreciate
the bond of sibling love of their wives? Brothers are often looked at
as a source of ego massage for the husbands and a giver of gifts. We
are the land where we openly say – Saali Aadhi gharwali” (The
sister-in-law is half a wife.) Whereas in her husband's home a woman
is expected to say “ji” even to the family dog.
Difference in time give to both families
How
many couples spend the same amount of time with both families?
Often, when a man visits his in-laws' place, he expects that everyone
should dance to his tunes. His favourite foods are prepared and talk
is hushed when he is around. Often a damaat
just lies around on the
beds and expects 5-star treatment.
When
the woman goes to visit her in-laws, it is considered a great
privilege if the MIL makes a cup of tea for her. People feel that an
old person is serving a younger person - Blasphemy in our culture.
However, when her mother (an old woman) serves the son-in-law no one
feels that there is something weird or strange in this.
Feeding of grown-up children
Many
mothers on seeing their sons after marriage comment that the son has become thinner, looks more tired
etc., after marriage and feeds the child with her own hands. This can
be sometimes a passive aggressive stand to show how badly cared for
the son is by his wife. How many men will be fine when their
mothers-in-law make the same caustic comments and feed their
daughters with their own hands. Will it not reflect on him as a
husband? Will he not resent it?
I
have seen that marriage often has a more negative impact both in
terms of looks and overall laughter levels of wives than husbands.
The responsibilities that come with marriage often age both partners
and both look tired. However, the society puts the burden of the
husband's well being on the wife's care or lack of it. Many of us
have seen unmarried girls who are constantly giggling and laughing. A
couple of years into marriage, their voices are hushed, the laughter
is gone. How many of us have every wondered why?
Are women insecure about their husbands beautiful female relatives?
I
truly believe that women feel beautiful if their husbands
appreciate/notice their looks. Such women don't usually feel jealous
about other women regardless of how much more beautiful they are. Our
culture demands that men buy several gifts for their sisters/other
relatives over the course of their life. How often do these men buy
random gifts of clothes and jewellery for their own wives? In many
cases women only own the jewellery given by their own parents.
Men
often complain about spending on clothes for their wives and consider
it a waste. This is like telling the woman “You look the same no
matter what you wear.” The same man may spend hours selecting
clothes for his other female relatives. If the woman feels
appreciated enough by their husbands, many of them would, in turn, be
the ones to enjoy dressing up their sisters-in-law. There is no cause
for jealousy. Married people are also lovers and if they cannot
appreciate each others' looks and express it, they surely cannot look
for it from outsiders, can they?
Where has the laughter gone?
Many
people consider marriage as an inevitable part of life –
particularly a woman's life. From childhood a woman is often reminded
that she will be married and someone will come into her life to make
all her dreams come true and she should learn to be a good wife and
daughter-in-law in order to be worthy of this great Prince. Very few
women after all this waiting find a Prince. Very often when they look
back at all they gave up for the marriage there is only regret left.
Not that there is nothing gained but the cost was too high.
Women
who were pampered at petted at home, are suddenly burdened with many
responsibilities and are commented on by all and sundry. Women who
want to work are asked to stay at home. Women who could freely move
about now have to seek permission to go anywhere and are housebound.
Many cannot plan a lunch or an outing with friends without seeking
permission. They cannot eat what they like when they are hungry. They
have to wait for the family. It is little wonder that the laughter is
wiped out for there are no more Princes coming. The Prince was after
all, a toad. To borrow from Mulk Raj Anand's thought – There is no
way for them. They are condemned to live. To go on with dreary living
till they die.